Anxiety has a way of making us feel like we're at war with ourselves. The racing thoughts, the physical tension, the sense of impending doom — it's natural to want to make it stop. So we fight it. We try to push it away, distract ourselves, or convince ourselves that everything is fine. But what if the path through anxiety isn't fighting, but turning toward it with kindness?
The Paradox of Resistance
Here's the paradox: the more we resist anxiety, the stronger it becomes. When we tell ourselves "I shouldn't feel this way" or "Just calm down," we're adding a layer of self-judgment on top of the already difficult experience. We're not just anxious — we're anxious about being anxious.
Self-compassion offers a different approach. Instead of fighting anxiety, we acknowledge it. Instead of judging ourselves for feeling anxious, we offer ourselves the same kindness we would offer a friend. This doesn't make the anxiety disappear, but it changes our relationship to it.
What Self-Compassion Looks Like
Self-compassion isn't about pretending everything is okay or letting yourself off the hook. It's about recognizing that suffering is part of the human experience and offering yourself care in the midst of it.
When anxiety arises, self-compassion might sound like:
- "This is really hard right now."
- "It's okay to feel anxious. Anxiety is trying to protect me."
- "Many people feel this way. I'm not alone."
- "What do I need right now?"
Practices for Cultivating Self-Compassion
1. The Self-Compassion Break
When you notice anxiety arising, pause and acknowledge it: "This is a moment of suffering." Remind yourself that suffering is part of life: "Suffering is part of the human experience." Then offer yourself kindness: "May I be kind to myself. May I give myself the compassion I need."
2. Soothing Touch
Place a hand on your heart, or give yourself a gentle hug. Physical touch can activate your body's caregiving system, helping to calm your nervous system.
3. Writing to Yourself
Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate friend. What would they say to you right now? What would they want you to know?
The Science of Self-Compassion
Research by Kristin Neff and others has shown that self-compassion is associated with lower levels of anxiety and depression, greater emotional resilience, and improved well-being. When we're kind to ourselves, we're less likely to ruminate on negative thoughts and more likely to take effective action.
Importantly, self-compassion doesn't make us complacent. In fact, people who practice self-compassion are more likely to take responsibility for their actions and make positive changes — because they're not paralyzed by self-criticism.
A Gentle Invitation
If you're struggling with anxiety, I want to offer a gentle invitation: the next time anxiety arises, try turning toward it with curiosity and kindness instead of resistance. You might be surprised by what happens.
Remember, self-compassion is a practice. It takes time to shift from self-criticism to self-kindness. Be patient with yourself as you learn this new way of relating to your experience.
Ari Leal is a psychotherapist in St. Petersburg, Florida, specializing in mindfulness-based and compassion-focused approaches to anxiety.